Free Love Reigns on Diag as Many Squirrels Offer to Share Nuts

A recent University study of Ann Arbor's squirrel population has returned some disturbing results. The general trend in inter-squirrel sexual relations shows sharp increases in promiscuity, as many squirrels are abandoning conventional moral guidelines and giving in to their raging hormones.

"More and more, female squirrels find themselves left to raise entire litters on their own," said Jacqueline Inchak, a professor of sociozoology. "The male squirrels seem content to chase after anything with a tail. The possible adverse effects on the adolescent development of squirrels raised in single-parent environments pose a very serious concern to the area's squirrel society."

Of even more concern to researchers is the possible danger to non-squirrel Ann Arbor inhabitants. These sex-crazed squirrels seem unable to contain themselves to the physical offerings of their own species, seeking experimentation with other, mostly unwilling, individuals. DPS has handled a markedly increased number of complaints about "squirrel lovin'" in the last two months.

Said LS&A sophomore and Delta Iota Pi sorority member Katie Gray, "These squirrels are freaking me out. I was on my way to this "Doggy Style" theme party last Saturday, so I had this awesome Pussycat costume. It was all black vinyl, kind of Cat Woman-like sex kitten? So anyways, I was walking down by the Diag, and about fifty of these rabid squirrels jumped on me from out of nowhere and started humping me! I know I looked hot, but come on!"

The usually sexually conservative squirrels have also shown increased participation in various other unorthodox mating activities. Authorities are at a loss to explained the sexual hyperactivity of the squirrels, but scattered reports tell of a masked bandit that roams around campus regaling them with "sexy haikus." These haikus apparently drive the squirrels into a frenzy of procreative activity.

Many female squirrels, disgusted by the promiscuous activity of their masculine counterparts, have sought refuge in same-sex relationships. The increased numbers of black and gray squirrels-bussed in by federal court order-has also spurred an increase in inter-racial squirrel dating, challenging the social norms of squirrel society.

"Squirrels are undergoing some fundamental changes in their society," said Inchak. "Think of the implications! The squirrel porn industry is going to have some stuff coming out that will? um, be very interesting from a scholarly point of view."

While some right-wing organizations see this turn of events as yet another manifestation of the moral decay of American society, concerned campus activist groups, including PETA and the Office of LGBT Affairs, fully support the squirrels' decisions to experiment with new lifestyles.

"Squirrels are people, too," said PETA spokeswoman Joan Trotter. "Well, maybe not 'people' people, but people nonetheless. Anyway, they should be allowed to do it however they want, as long as it's in the privacy of their own branch."

While PETA plans a "Day of Action" next week, The Office of LGBT Affairs plans to offer crisis hotlines for single squirrel mothers in need and free peanut-based contraceptives, available in the large oak tree outside UHS.