Ex-President Richard M. Nixon to Visit Campus

YORBA LINDA, CA-Aides for the former president Richard M. Nixon announced on Thursday that he would be visiting the University of Michigan campus before the end of the year. This will be Nixon's first trip to the University since 1976, and his first time in Michigan for nearly fifteen years.

President Nixon was first elected to office in 1968, and was reelected by a wide margin in 1972. He first rose to prominence in the late forties with the congressional trial of Alger Hiss. He served as Vice President from 1952 until 1960 under formal general Dwight D. Eisenhower.

While in the office of the Presidency, Nixon made several important developments in foreign policy, redefining military and trade relationships between the United States and other major powers from the South America to the Middle East to East Asia. This aggressive diplomacy culminated with Nixon's historic visit to China in 1972, marking the first visit of a serving US president to the region, and breaking nearly two decades of diplomatic silence between the countries.

A spokesman for Mr. Nixon reported that the president was excited about the visit to the UM Campus, and looked forward to the opportunity to interact with the student population. If you have any more questions about Richard Nixon, consult The Memoirs of Richard Nixon, (New York, 1990), or the Autumn 1958 issue of Playboy (Nixon is Miss October).

Lab Students Saved By Plaid Salamander Metal Trio

Several chemistry students emerged from their labs yesterday bearing long-overdue lab reports and a remarkable story of redemption at the hands of a probably entirely hallucinogenic plaid salamander metal trio.

LS&A senior Daniel Remata was one of the students in question. "We'd been in the lab for six straight days trying to interpret the results of our latest NMR," he said. "We were getting a little angry and dizzy when this totally rocking trio of salamanders just appeared out of nowhere and screamed 'ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?' Man, let me tell you, after six days of lab we were so totally ready to rock."

After rocking out for at least an hour plus an extensive encore that included an interesting cover of Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean," the salamander trio reluctantly left the stage, claiming that they had to be in a Penn State bio lab the next day.

After the concert, the students awoke the next day, thinking it was all a dream. "The concert was cool," said Remata, "but we were bummed when we woke up, until we discovered they had left us completed lab reports! Not only did they rock out, they figured out that the main component of our solution was a benzylate! How cool is that?"

Alternate, plausible solutions have been offered by the other group members-like Remata sniffing most of the lab chemicals and passing out while the rest of them got the damn report done-but Remata clings to his belief. "It's like that Nelson video, man, with the rain and the Nelson and the feather as evidence of total rocking out," said Remata. "Except here, instead of a feather, there's a lab report, which is pretty much the same thing, if you think about it."