In a tragic, if predictable, turn of events, the Roman Legion has invaded Greek societies across campus. Slaying the Interfraternity Council and pillaging several local houses, the Legion seems impervious to the best attempts of the Greek society to repel them. During the most recent skirmish the Greeks were once again routed by the Legion.

The members of Beta Theta Pi were at the head of fighting. "Bill offered them a beer, but they stabbed him," said junior Mike Kilmore of Beta. "Johnny C was smashed so he started pissing on one of them. We didn't really have a battle strategy-these crazed dudes just crashed our party and started drinking our beer and raping the girls we were gonna rape. It totally sucked."

A Roman legionnaire occupies Alpha Delta Phi

Organizational problems have crippled the Greek society against the highly organized and disciplined Romans. Their organization as individual houses has allowed the Romans to pick them off one by one as if they were weak independent city-states.

Sophomore Brad Johnson, an advocate of greater organization among the houses and member of Sigma Chi, foresaw problems when Chi Psi planned their Gin and Juice Bikini party on the same night as Sigma Chi's Nude Jello-Shot Wrestling party.

"When I saw that the Tri-Delts had skipped our party, I knew something was up," he said. "Chi Psi had known about our party for months, but they just couldn't wait a weekend. It was then I realized that if we were invaded by the highly disciplined Roman Legion we wouldn't stand a chance-sort of an odd thought, I know, but I was really wasted."

While the fraternities bickered, a group of sororities banded together briefly earlier this week in an attempt to form a unified front against the Legion. However, infighting broke out as they prepared to entrench, reportedly because "those girls at Chi Omega are jappy bitches." Conflicting reports claimed that fighting erupted because "the girls of Alpha Phi are gentile whores." Several pairs of black ass pants were damaged in the resulting struggle. Thankfully, the only injury, save, cuts, bruises, and smeared lipstick, occurred when one girl sprained her ankle after losing her balance and falling off her platform shoes.

Cut off from outside contact and forced to fall back to houses of the "ugly people," the situation does not look good for the Greek societies. The Red Cross is deploying to the area to provide relief by dispensing beer, Polo Sport, more black ass pants, and birth control, but Greek morale is at an all time low.

"We don't even have the ammo to shoot our pledges in the nuts," said former Zeta Beta Tau member Kevin Porter. "They're so disappointed, but we used all our BBs in a futile attempt to keep the Romans from stealing our kegs of Beast."

The Romans, in contrast, have been living it up in Ann Arbor. After conquering most of the fraternities on State Street, they threw a huge party that, mostly by coincidence, involved a large number of people in togas. The party, combined with the Romans' pledge that "those fruity Spartans are next," has endeared the Legion to much of campus.